


He Is Going Through The Unimaginable

by catboyhannibal



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:22:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboyhannibal/pseuds/catboyhannibal
Summary: An exploration of Todd after Neil's death, and of him and Charlie finding comfort in each other.





	He Is Going Through The Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> Title from It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton epic cringe comp

_ “Todd? Todd.”_

_ “Oh Charlie. What is it?”_

_ “Neil’s dead.”_

* * *

Neil’s funeral is two days later.

Charlie and Todd attend together, though Todd doesn’t speak a word the whole time.The only instance they’re separated is when Charlie goes up to Neil’s casket. Todd refuses to follow; he would rather keep his image of Neil, up on stage. Instead he stands at the edge of the room, avoiding eye contact with Neil’s parents. He can hear Mrs Perry crying, though. Had he looked up, he would have seen Mr Perry was too, silently. When Charlie comes back to Todd’s side, they leave. Todd hadn’t asked, but Charlie knew he wouldn’t be able to see the casket lowered. Todd is thankful to not have to go through that.

Charlie returns to Todd’s room with him before Todd has the chance to ask. When they are finally in the safety of the dark room, Todd cries. Almost as hard as he had in the snow just yesterday. Charlie rubs his back and rests his cheek against Todd’s hair without a word.

Todd doesn’t need someone to tell him it will be okay, he just needs someone.

* * *

Charlie is expelled five days later.

Todd helps him pack in relative silence, save for the occasional question from Charlie. When he stands in the doorway, suitcases in hand, Todd feels tears well up in his eyes. Charlie lets them drop the small height, Todd flinching slightly from the sound of them hitting the ground but letting Charlie wrap his arms around him. He lets go sooner than Todd would have liked.

“I’ll miss you, Anderson” Charlie says, offering a small smile that Todd wishes he had it in him to return.

“You too, Nuwanda” He mumbles, reaching up to wipe his face. Charlie sets a hand on Todd's shoulder before sighing and taking up his suitcases again.

Todd is far from thrilled when he and Cameron become roommates. 

* * *

Keating leaves three days later.

Todd says his first words to someone other than Charlie since Neil’s death in an attempt to apologize to Keating, to explain that he hadn't any choice but to sign the paper that resulted in Keating's loss of position. He feels a weight lift off his shoulders as Keating tells Todd it's alright and that he believes and forgives him. 

In a moment of bravery and defiance, he leads his classmates to step up on their desk, calling out "O Captain My Captain."

Of course, their former teacher still has to leave, they are all scolded, and still have to return to their studies, but it is a turning point for Todd.

He still speaks little and grieves hard, but he goes through the rest of the school year with a newfound confidence he’s sure hadn’t existed within him before meeting Neil and Keating.

* * *

Todd receives his first letter from Charlie a month later.

He writes that he has found an apartment in New York and that he has officially been disowned by his parents. Todd isn't surprised. He tells Todd he has a job but does not tell Todd what it is. TOdd wonders if it's safe, if it's legal, but never asks. Charlie tells Todd how much he misses him, and the others. He asks how Todd's doing, emotionally, in school, just in general. He asks Todd to write back, but says he doesn't have to.

Todd writes back immediately, and this begins the collection of months worth of letters Todd keeps in a shoe box under his bed.

* * *

Todd graduates six months later.

He smiles when his name is called, and smiles wider when he hears a call from the audience from a voice he hadn’t heard since December. Despite the jokes the poets had made, he doesn’t trip walking to get his diploma, and he doesn’t shake with the wrong hand. He also doesn’t flinch when “Perry” isn’t called.

After the ceremony, Todd finds Charlie talking with Steven. When Todd opens his mouth to say hi, Charlie notices Steven’s attention behind him and turns, immediately pulling Todd into a tight hug.

They spend the rest of the day together, and Todd doesn't come home until well after midnight.

* * *

Todd moves into Charlie’s New York apartment four months later.

Newly eighteen, it’s Todd’s first adult decision. He’s not particularly surprised when his parents seem distracted as he tells them he’s leaving, or when they forget to call to see if he landed safe, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. He does note that it doesn’t hurt as much as it would’ve one year ago.

He unpacks his things with Charlie’s help and, for a moment, it’s like they’re back in that little Welton room and Neil is simply at play practice. For a moment, he’s able to pretend that the last 10 months have been a long nightmare and he’s finally woken up. But too soon that moment is over and Todd begins to cry. Charlie notices Todd is crying before he does. Todd’s things are abandoned in favor of a cup of much too sweet hot chocolate and laying in Charlie’s bed. They’re watching a movie Todd isn’t paying much attention to but Todd doesn’t really have the energy to watch one he’d pay attention to anyways.

It isn’t until the movie ends that Todd realizes they had been holding hands.


End file.
